Thursday, December 6, 2007

The Bed Question

Why is it in bed that I question tomorrow?

Tonight, I caught myself doing it for the hundredth time. Wondering what I should become in the future, as if the decision had to be dropped in the mail tomorrow. Always the same questions, always the same doubts and nothing changes pretty much except an occasional loss of sleep.

Tonight my aunt’s voice hung over my head. In her mid thirties she confessed to me that she is utterly depressed. “I am nobody!” she said. “My friends have stuck to a certain ladder and climbed it. They have become something. Names. Titles. Professions. While I don’t even receive a salary.”

She loves life. Got hung up on the candy-store version of it, and never managed to let go. You name it, she’s done it: volunteer, art, science, religion, children work, adult training-but it never made sense to eat out of one bowl.

I never thought the day would come when I look in the mirror and foresee such a disaster in my own eyes. The disaster of loving life too much to settle for one thing.

Somehow, my mom managed to do both: multiple projects at once and a profession; an increasing salary. At one point in the past, I swore to her that I wouldn’t do the same. “I am not like you,” I said. “I can only focus on one area, and acquire deep knowledge of it. Doing many things at once would make me a mediocre, and I can’t be that.”

Statements are easy when you’re 17. Even 20.

Yet now, at age of 25, and particularly at 3 in the morning, it is extremely difficult to decide what I shall be in the future: A banker, professor, reporter, screenwriter, producer, trainer, secretary, or diplomat?
It is even more difficult to pick a side: become a blinkered professional, or an amateur lover of life…


Hning said...

Maybe it's the age we're in that makes us so existentially anxious: Where am I going next?

To think that I wrote my last blogposts thinking: Oh, Aysha would never go through questions like these; she's got it all: husband, child, education, even freedom...How lucky, she's got her entire life figured out.

I could not have been more wrong about you. :)

For what it's worth, I'm glad (for the umpteenth time) to know that I'm not going through it alone. To know that someone I look up to also have the same angst as I do. That it's okay to question the bed again every once in a while...

Remember what you said, We just surrender to the belief that we have to do nothing, and things will go on...I hate calling it. I love closing my eyes and surrendering. Things ALWAYS go right when I do.? I still believe you.
Let's believe and unpeel it together.

Aysha said...

sometimes you read comments and you don't develop a verbal response, but see some sort of a picture in your mind. While reading yours, I had the image of men (I think belonging to the Southern region of Saudi) who kiss each other on the nose as a sign of respect. Sometimes, when two people have a competing sense of respect for one another they kick each other in the nose "nose to nose style". Well, I was reading you and feeling that you are about to do the nose kiss thingy, so I decided to hurry and do it kick style: nose to nose.
I don't remember ever reading your posts, and not finding part of me there "like you promised on the top caption". I admire you, for her truthfulness, for your journey, bravery, contunuting to clinse yourself with "writing it out".
Life is about believing, even if in the doubt itself!