Thursday, June 7, 2007

Fearless - Fearfull: The A - Z of our Life?

Fear that we gain, do we ever loose?
Or does it become the permanent resident?

Are we born fearless? And the more fear we accommodate, the older we get? The older we get, the less there is “of us” living “in us.” We recede to the rear door, having “fear” which we call at times “the experience”, our first line of defense? Like a darker skinned person who is not effected as much by the sun.

When we are the primary residents of ourselves that is when fear still pains. That is when every entrance of it alarms us, and sends us back in horror. Then, as our exposure to fear increases, and as “fear” and “us” own 50/50 rights to the place. From then on, the journey to peace begins. The journey to our exit. To our end.

At my last year of high school I developed a fear of exams. Those finals would decide whether I enter to college or not. My mom would stay awake next to me as I open the books and cry. Words slip through my eyes like water. They have no meaning, they cannot get through to my mind, and I would fall asleep. From then on, I could not study for a final. Because my bachelor studies where in Literature, I survived. You need not study for literature; you only need be in love with it.

And in Grad school, I have no finals because it is in “Writing.” There are only projects, and writing to be handed in on time. But tonight, as the book of Spanish Language “Dos Mundos En Breve” gives me the look of dare or die, I have no choice but to let it go. Fear still pains, and to sleep I shall go hoping -just hoping- that I will survive this time!

11 comments:

أبو سنان said...

The only fears I have are related to my children.

I have never had any personal fear for myself, this has been both a positive and a negative thing.

Hning said...

How did Spanish go?
Was it worth all the hysteria?

I don't remember my 3rd year in high school.
I was either dating or partying (as a dance trainer for the PromParty!) through the entire year.

My mother had forced me into taking Ilmi/Science Major. If my 3rd year exam results came out too good, I'd be forced into Med School as well.

She never forgave me for this.
She never forgave me for everything else I did that did not go along with her big plans for me.

I envy your relationship with your mother.
How did you two manage your differences so well?

Lawrence of Arabia said...

best wishes with the exam. for a while i looked at exams as a good thing. study or not study, i knew it would be over at a set date and time, and that would be that. but gradually, as i got to grad school, exams became more and more of a burden and chore and papers more and more of a joy, until i detested having to take my comprehensive exams (that may have had something to do with studying for them for 6months and losing 20lbs from the stress, etc.). you have my full sympathy.

best wishes,
LoA.

Aysha said...

Abu Sinan,
Ehhm, well...
According to my theory, you are either newly born, or dead ^_^ !
Ooooor, you have a case of short-term memory which allows non of what had been lived to be permanent, thus allowing you to receive life with newness. One fears not what one does not know :D
Am I cool or what?

Prometheus said...

I do not remember when exams were of any burden in my life. ‎
During high school and university, I used to take it easy thinking that I could do well ‎and Allah won't let me down. ‎
This attitude may be interpreted by some as laziness and lack of attention on my part. ‎However, things always went smoothly. I also want to say that a student's attitude to ‎the exams is greatly influenced by the way his/her close colleagues behave. ‎
My friends and I used to travel a lot and spend much of our time reading and ‎exploring. Nevertheless, we did well in our exams. Of course we were not genius or ‎exceptional, but we were not stupid or close minded either.‎
We always took consolation in the fact that many of our class mates were killing ‎themselves studying hard day and night. They could hardly do anything else. So we ‎laughed and made fun of them when we saw them take their study too seriously. After ‎all, their ratings were by no means better than ours. ‎
So, put exam anxiety and tension aside, my dear, and try not to be tough on yourself. ‎Just do whatever you can do and believe me God, who stood firmly by us in that time, ‎will not leave you alone.‎
I am afraid, I appeared as if I was playing a preacher here, but anyway that's how I see ‎things in general.‎
My best wishes.‎

Aysha said...

hning,
You have asked the most complex of complicated issues in life. Relationships. Somehow, we always assume that the norm is for parent-children relationship to work out perfectly. When they don't, children and parents become extra hurt, and forcefully go against the love that binds them, backing away from each other.
You and your mom might simply have no chemistry. Simply, your characters either overly match and you are fighting that, or they overly disagree. She, being the elder, and with an already constructed cultural assumption of how a daughter should behave, is not expected to change so much. You, being so ambitious, and independent person, and with many hopes for your version of a future, cannot give in to the deal. But there comes a point along the way, a point when you will feel assured that your rights are not questionable, and that you are standing in the strong side of deciding for your own. When you reach that point, you will be more merciful than angry. Instead of all the "whys" you can shed a thourough look at the life span of your mom, her journey, and say in empathy "I understand." It just takes us different lengths of times to establish our own island, before sailing off.

** And I envy you for being the dance trainer ;) Oh, how I love dancing. And for the quality of your writing.
* As for spanish, will let you know next week :)

Aysha said...

LoA,
Grad school is very spoiling! This Spanish class which was entirely my choice grew to be a burden because it is an undergrad. Too much homework, no exceptions, no choices as to what you can do or not do, no creativity involved in the assignments. I think I will never ever do it again. Well, maybe I will. It might give me better "luxurious" work opportunities in SA ^_^

Aysha said...

Prometheus,
You are absolutely right! Despite all the fear and anxiety I had in highschool, despite the horrible nights of chemistry and biology when I had to go to bed without reading a single page..I passed! And with a 91% that got me to college.
Yet, that anxiety, when it comes, I fail to fight it with logic. During "linguistic" courses in college, I failed twice. Then, developed a trick to play on myself. It goes like this: put the linguistic book aside. Open your favorite magazine. Yes, tomorrow is the final. Yeah, who cares girl! Read that magazine. And as I give myself full permission to not study, some curiosity crawls to the top of my head and I peak at the exam book. I peak again. A third time. Then, soon enough find myself going through the lingustic material as if it were the magazine, and leave the magazine as if it were the exam material!
Don't they say: it takes one to know one? haaa!

* You make an exemplary preach, because you managed to keep me listening :) I was so curious about all the countries you and your friends were lucky to visit while the geeks were studying.

Prometheus said...

Ahlan Aysha.‎
Well, I'd rather leave the travel story to sometime later. You know, you've done me a ‎great favor by asking me that question. Perhaps I should write an entire post about ‎that subject, and I hope this will happen very soon.‎
Salam.‎

Insomniac said...

I still remember the last day of exams in high school, we had Literature "Adab", and I remember saying that however my career ends up being shaped, it must be through the least amount of exams possible.

Fast forward 10 years later, I have my PhD screening exam in a few months, and I can honestly say, I've never hated exams more.

Aysha said...

Prometheus,
Looking forward to that!

Insomniac,
Why do I see a fairly similar scenario as I try to fast forward now :(
Best wishes to you on your exams. But, wow, PhD! I would swallow exams for that ^_^