Fear that we gain, do we ever loose?
Or does it become the permanent resident?
Are we born fearless? And the more fear we accommodate, the older we get? The older we get, the less there is “of us” living “in us.” We recede to the rear door, having “fear” which we call at times “the experience”, our first line of defense? Like a darker skinned person who is not effected as much by the sun.
When we are the primary residents of ourselves that is when fear still pains. That is when every entrance of it alarms us, and sends us back in horror. Then, as our exposure to fear increases, and as “fear” and “us” own 50/50 rights to the place. From then on, the journey to peace begins. The journey to our exit. To our end.
At my last year of high school I developed a fear of exams. Those finals would decide whether I enter to college or not. My mom would stay awake next to me as I open the books and cry. Words slip through my eyes like water. They have no meaning, they cannot get through to my mind, and I would fall asleep. From then on, I could not study for a final. Because my bachelor studies where in Literature, I survived. You need not study for literature; you only need be in love with it.
And in Grad school, I have no finals because it is in “Writing.” There are only projects, and writing to be handed in on time. But tonight, as the book of Spanish Language “Dos Mundos En Breve” gives me the look of dare or die, I have no choice but to let it go. Fear still pains, and to sleep I shall go hoping -just hoping- that I will survive this time!